When Zak left for his deployment in June of 2014, nothing could have prepared me for the emotional battle I would fight for the next 9 months while being pregnant, a new homeschooling mother, and being in a brand new state all alone with 2 kids under the age of 5.
Okay, well maybe I had a BIT of a clue that it would be hard, but never did I imagine I would become the person I did. I became a YELLER. And I don't mean just a raised voice when talking to my kids, I mean I would SCREAM until my voice broke, my face turned red, and my body shook.
Everytime I yelled I cried, they cried, and I would pray to God to give me the strength to stop, and control myself the next time I was going to lose my temper. Only to turn around and do it again later on. It was a dark time I will forever be ashamed of, and it has scarred my heart. It took a year later and another little fire cracker of a baby for me to realize why it was I yelled so much. I expected ABSOLUTE PERFECTION from my 2 and 4 year old. They were so obedient, and so willing to do whatever I said, that I started treating them like mini adults instead of kids.
Once Mila was born, and my entire life was shaken and turned upside down by her strong willed personality, I was finally slapped with the reality that I had insanely unrealistic expectations of my children, and of myself. Just because they were good kids, did not give me the right to be so critical of their mistakes.
It is okay to be a flawed mother to imperfect children.
It is okay to need to take an extended time out in a locked room while ignoring the kids fighting in the other room.
It is okay to let the house be a mess while drinking some wine and bingeing on Netflix.
It's okay if Lily doesn't spend 8 hours a day playing piano and reading Shakesphere and instead we just play in the kitchen and call it a school day.
It's okay if the kids watch TV or play video games most of the day instead of fighting with them to "play" when they just don't want to.
The biggest thing I want to remember as we prepare for this upcoming deployment, is that I am not perfect, my kids are not perfect, and there is no need for me to put the pressure on myself or anyone else to be.
(If you struggle with chronic yelling and would like judgement-free place to talk and get advice, please feel free to email me or find me on Facebook and I would love to talk to you.)f